Use the Back of your Fridge to make Bread.

Not the encrusted stains, the coils or the dust- I mean the half cup of mashed potatoes you couldn't throw away, and will never eat.   Here's a brief list of dabs in a container that you must admit might otherwise go bad if you don't turn it into bread.

• cooked oatmeal
• grits or polenta (that's fancy bitch for cooked cornmeal)
• sour cream
• buttermilk/milk
• cooked wild rice
• olive, caper and pickle brine
• cottage cheese
• whey
• egg
• those mashed potatoes, yes, but:
• The golden ingredient: the cooking liquid from any starchy root vegetable. We'll talk about this more later, but it's salty, it's silky, it's starchy, it's sexy.  Love it. Freeze it.  

And in the "I haven't done it, but I dare you" category:

• bacon drippings
• your imagination

Be the Willy Wonka of your own world.  Just remember your one loaf, fail proof proportions:

1 cup liquid

2 1/2 tsp. yeast

approximately 3 cups flour

Anywhere from 1 teaspoon to a 1/4  cup of sugar in any form (white, brown, honey, maple syrup, molasses, agave, or get thee behind me Satan: corn syrup.)

1 tbl fat- 1/4 cup fat

salt

Here's the method.   

Multiply this formula to infinity, except Sally Virkus says you don't have to double the yeast until you're making enough for three loaves.  When doubling the recipe, one tablespoon of yeast is enough for two loaves.  You should probably listen to her- it's never done me any harm, except for her musical choices. 

You can substitute any of the cooked starches above (potato, oatmeal, cornmeal, wild rice) for up to one third of the flour.  The thing to know is that if you're adding moisture in the form of cooked starches and syrup based sugars, you'll need to add more flour to compensate, until the dough is sleek.  And don't go over board at first- never more than a 1/4 cup of any sweetener, or more than 1 cup of cooked starch per loaf.  

When adding cooked starches, start with a 1/2 cup liquid (broth, olive juice, any of the dairy products, egg) at first, and add more as needed after working in most of the flour- but never fear if you go a little over, and it's too sticky- sprinkle on more flour, work it in, and walk away.

Here's the first of many bread concoctions one could throw together.   This is my favorite toast bread:

Brown Sugar/Maple Oatmeal Bread 

1 cup cooked oatmeal

2.5 cups flour, plus extra, as needed. (I used one cup whole wheat wheat) 

1 tbl brown sugar

3 tbl. maple syrup.  REAL.

2 tbls soft or melted butter

2 1/2 tsp yeast

2/3 cup warm water

1 tsp salt

(sometimes, I may add a dash of vanilla to this, I'm not gonna lie.)

In a large bowl, mix the warm water, some of the maple syrup and the yeast together; let sit for 10 minutes or until visibly foamy.  Add the rest of the liquid ingredients, including the oatmeal, and mix until combined.  Add the flour in batches.   When you can no longer stir it, turn it out on a floured surface and knead until sleek and elastic.  It should be shiny, and sound hollow when slapped.  It will be a little tacky, but not sticky.

Butter or oil the surface of the dough and let rise until doubled- generally an hour or so.  Punch down, form into one large loaf, or two small. (Brush with egg wash if you want a nicely browned loaf.)   Preheat your oven to 375.  Raise for 30-40 more minutes, and bake for 20-30 for small loaves and 35-45 for large.

Next time: Onion Olive Bread!  Don't throw away your brine!